welcome to the couples healing podcast where you’ll get the tools for him to overcome his addiction for her to find healing from the pain that it causes her and for you to heal your relationship and come back together i hope that you enjoy and subscribe hey everyone welcome back to another episode of the couple of healing podcast this is sam Tielemans and today i want to tell you about some current struggle that a really good friend of mine is going through and him and his spouse and i feel like the lesson is very applicable to everybody and so just a little bit of background so they there has been a few breaches of trust in their relationship and it has things have happened over the course of a handful of years i’ve been together for a while now and every couple of years there’s a breach and then he apologizes and says i won’t do that again i’m sorry i really i promise i’m going to do better and because of course she cares about him and wants to get back to like having a good relationship so they’ll say okay like fine let’s just move forward and then that was the first time that it happened and the next time it happened he says the same thing i really i’ll do better i’m sorry this happened and she says fine but we have to find somebody so they go to counseling they go once or twice it doesn’t work for them in terms of like the fit it’s not they didn’t get the tools that they needed to stop going then a few years later another breach happened this is kind of where i entered the picture because they had moved around a lot and they ended up in las vegas and a breach had happened and they of course they know that i do this kind of work with people and we’ve been friends for about a year and a year or two years since you know when when we first met then the breach happened after a couple of years of our friendship and then they asked me for like guidance or for advice and so i shared with them some thoughts about how to get back on track what to do what you should look for what was missing in the past i just sit down and kind of talk them through what this healing process looks like and then he gets to work like no one else i’ve seen unbelievable amount of effort and energy and time that he puts into doing all of what’s required he’s been doing again like i can’t even underscore how much work he’s done she was at the point of finding out about the most recent breach of just being done and she says i don’t want to do this anymore i want to divorce and he’s like i i’ll do whatever it takes um i want to work and in previous times he he committed to doing the work he did the work for a little bit but then it stopped but you know at this point this juncture it was different because he got different tools he didn’t get the tools that he needed by going to some other therapists and that just wasn’t a good fit for them as a couple or whatever the case was he just wasn’t he didn’t have the understanding about what to change and he didn’t get the tools to be able to change this time was different because they got they got the tools that they needed and over the course of a year implemented made tremendous progress they were doing awesome and i was like that’s like i was super proud of them and i was happy that their relationship was in a better place fast forward to i don’t know a month ago they get into this big fight and couples always have disagreements and fights just as a quick sidebar the health of your relationship is not determined by how many fights you get into there’s a researcher by the name of dr john gottman he talks about he’s studied 1000s and 1000s of couples he said that doesn’t determine how strong your relationship is or how weak or unhealthy it is he says the number one predictor of whether or not your relationship will survive over time is do you know how to come back and repair after there’s been damage done and so they get into a fight and that’s like that will happen
but
having the tools to come back and repair and and heal the damage that that fight is caused that’s where the key is and of course we want to minimize fights and we don’t want nobody enjoys those but if you know how to come back together then you’re going to be just fine this particular fight something was said that was so hurtful for her that she again said i don’t want to i can’t do this anymore and she said i’m committed to this divorce i do not want to stay in this marriage anymore and he was completely blindsided because of the progress that he was making he began again they’re in such a different place over the course of the year and so when she said this to him about i don’t want to do this anymore he was like floored he calls me and he’s like so we got into a fight last night and this is what she said and i couldn’t i couldn’t believe it myself because i know how well they were doing and a part of me was like i wonder if we can can we do anything can we fix this in any way and he’s like dude this the ship is sailed this is done and just so i don’t look like a fool i’m gonna say 99.9% but this is oh and like my heart goes out to him because nobody wants that outcome she didn’t want this outcome but she didn’t know what else to do so over the course of the last few weeks i’ve had a chance to speak with him a couple of times and today i had a phone call with her and i i said something that seemed to really resonate with her that i wanted to pass along to you and so i asked her first what is the outcome okay actually i have to fill in this last little bit of information here one of the things that she had not told him over the course of their entire marriage was that she had been keeping in how she felt about various situations about things that he did or didn’t do she hadn’t she felt like she could not open up and tell him how she felt because of how he was because of how he normally reacted to things he would become very defensive he would get upset and frustrated and angry and they would have these they would get in these fights that would just go nowhere so she learned early on i can’t bring up how i actually feel because he does not handle it well at all he gets defensive and it causes more damage therefore i’m going to keep this all to myself so a month ago after she tells him i don’t want to be in marriage i want to get a divorce i was like can we please just hop on a call i care a ton about these people they’re such good friends i’m like can we please get on a call so i can maybe give you some thoughts we get on a call and she tells this to him she’s she had never told him before that’s how she felt so she gets on the call and says the thing that’s been so painful for me is that i’ve had to carry how i feel and keep it inside for our entire marriage because of how you react when i say something to you you get defensive you get upset and she went through the whole list of what happens as he’s listening to her he starts to break down and is like bawling on the phone and we’re on like a facetime call so i can see him and he’s bawling he’s like i didn’t realize that those reactions caused this much upset and hurt and damage for you and he’s bawling he’s like i’m so stupid how could i have not seen this and as he is talking he says like i’m reflecting over the glass the course of our entire relationship and yes that’s absolutely true i can think about this instance and i got defensive i can think about this other thing that she brought up and i shut her down and he just is recounting these different experiences that they’ve had where he’s done exactly the thing that she’s saying caused a lot of pain for her and made it so she couldn’t open up again in just like this like weeping and he’s like i’m so sorry i never want you to feel that i had no idea that this was what was going on for you for the whole time and their relationship i’ve been working this last year so hard because i i wanted to eradicate this problem at the core of my own problem the breaches of trust and i’ve done that i’ve cleared it out of my life i’m never going back i’ve got new tools i’ve got the understanding that’s not even an issue on my mind anymore because he really had done some amazing work and now he’s learning about this like core relationship breakdown that they’ve had since the beginning and he says in this in the call is like i will do anything i know i want to fix this now that you’re telling me this i know exactly what response is causing damage and i want to be better for you i want to do this differently for you
and so over the course of the month this last month he’s just been like crushing it he’s been doing so well there’s been zero instances of him falling back into these old patterns he’s doing he’s stepping up around the house he’s doing everything that she needed him to do for the whole relationship but there was a lightbulb moment that clicked for him when she shared with him i can’t open up because of your reactions and it’s too painful for me to continue to stay in this relationship with this being a core problem that has not been solved it’s breaking me down i can’t do this anymore and so when that light bulb moment shifted and then that bulb went off for him he’s been a new person and i might have mentioned this on a previous episode but for most people for a lot of people change happens in an instant change happens in an instant when somebody decides to stop smoking let’s say sometimes it’s like you know they’re like well it took me 10 years to stop smoking well the reality is that it took you an instant to make that choice it took you maybe 10 years to get to that moment but that moment of choice and change happens in an instant and then it just takes time to demonstrate that change And so it was with my friend in the instant, he it clicked for him, he became a different person. And then it just required the time for him to demonstrate the change and show her that there had been something significant that shifted inside of him. And he’s been so on point doing everything, doing everything, like I, I was on a call with him earlier today, just like, Hey, how’s it going? And he’s like, this is what’s been going on. I was like, Well, if you were a client of mine, I would say like, dude, you’ve got it, just keep going. Like, there’s no additional tools that I would tell you, I wouldn’t tell you to do anything differently. I would just say stay the course. And he kind of chuckled, because he was just like, he’s on top of it.
However,
this is where things kind of get, this is what I wanted to link in this lesson. The wife, she says that, if she doesn’t go through with the divorce, then she feels like she’s just crying wolf. And she feels like a fool for staying. And she doesn’t want to feel like an idiot first, like signing up again, because she’s already done this multiple times where she says, Okay, you know what, I’m gonna forget about, forget about the past, I’m gonna forgive you. We’re gonna move forward. All right, let’s just like put this behind us. She’s like, I don’t want to be a fool, or look like an idiot, or feel like a fool to myself. And so what I told her was the question that I asked again, that’s the backstory, the question that I asked her was, what is your intention? Or what’s the purpose of you getting a divorce. And she says, number one, I want him to see that these issues are a problem. And to really send that message to him, so he gets it. Number two, I want to be able to show us the words of the phrase speak my truth, or in other words, be able to share how she feels without having to walk on eggshells, or be afraid of his response. So ultimately, she wanted to help him see that this is a problem, this can’t keep happening. Number two, be able to share what was going on inside of her and just to feel a sense of safety and to feel like I’m okay. And so I said over the last month, how have you felt? Have you seen him change the issues? Yes. Have you been able to speak more freely about what’s going on inside of you? Yes. Does his actions do they have they created more safety for you? Yes. That’s when she said, Well, I just don’t want to feel like a fool for taking them taking him back again. Like I’m crying wolf. And the thing that I said to her, I said, we want to be firm and resolute in the outcome, but be flexible with the method. In other words, if the outcome is I want these issues to change, I want to be comfortable being me, I want safety, I want to be able to speak up and tell you how I feel without it causing a fight. That’s the outcome. The method that she thought that she needed to implement was a divorce. And so what I wanted her to consider, and I want you all to consider this idea as well. The method is far less important than the outcome. All of what we do as human beings, we make decisions for specific outcomes. We want a result, the method doesn’t matter.
And so I said, as I explained that, to her, it seemed like something shifted inside of her as well where she thought that makes a lot of sense. It doesn’t really matter how I get to this outcome. As long as I’m in a place where I feel safe. As long as I’m in a relationship where I can open up and have what I say, matter to my partner, as long as I can have I can feel trust, then the path doesn’t matter, right? Are you going to ride a bike? Are you going to take a scooter Are you going to ride the bus, the method doesn’t matter as much as the destination or the outcome. And so the other method in this example is for him to do his work. The more tools he gets, the more understanding that he has about the problem, the more awareness, the commitment that he has to follow through in a different way. His actions created the same outcome for her as she was hoping the divorce would whether it would come from him doing individual work, or them doing couples work together. So they can talk through these things in a different way, and have different tools to do that, or whatever other method they chose. They could create the same outcome but do it through any number of different methods. So for her to be flexible in terms of how she’s like the the openness to get to the outcome, puts her in a place to actually get the outcome in the best possible way with the least amount of collateral damage. Because like I said his actions were creating the same outcome as the divorce would but then now you have to you’ve got kids with Out parents in the same home, they’d be living in different states, just because of the work situation that he had. And so there’s a ton of freedom knowing there’s more than one way to get to the outcome. And in this case, it was him doing his work, which all he needed was the awareness and the tools. And then by making the commitment to implement those things, he was able to put them into a completely different space by putting in those efforts. So what I would, again, I wanted to share this with everybody, because I think sometimes it’s very easy to feel like we get stuck, and feel like we only have one way of doing things, or there’s only one solution, when really, the more choices we have, the more empowered we feel. If we’re clear about the outcome, we shouldn’t, I said it would be foolish if you just negated or dismissed the outcome, and said, Alright, fine, I’m gonna just suffer in a relationship, where I don’t feel safe. I’m just going to tolerate being in a relationship where I can’t trust my husband has said that, if anything was foolish, it would be that it would be to it would be to disown, or eliminate this outcome that’s so important to you. I said, the opposite is true, like, how wise and how, how much more empowered do you feel when you can be flexible with the method to achieve your outcome? I think when people get stuck, they just think, well, I only have one means one way of doing this, and I, if I hit a wall and it doesn’t work, then it’s over. This whole, like, I’m screwed, and I don’t know what else to do. Now, I’m depressed now hopeless. But if you have other choices, and you have the flexibility to change the method, how much better off are you to be able to achieve that outcome? So what I would encourage everybody I hope for, for whatever it’s worth, I wanted to share with you this idea, being flexible with the method and firm with the outcome. And so when you’re in your own relationship, thinking about the walls that you might be hitting, or the breakdowns that are happening, what’s the outcome that you want? And then what method is going to help you get there? And is there more than one method. And if you don’t know what you can do to get to that outcome, that’s a huge reason why people reach out and ask for help. Like, it’s like a privilege for me to be in a spot of being able to help my friends, I care about them tremendously. And so for me to be able to share a couple of thoughts and ideas that can start to open their mind up to a different way of looking at it can instantly create more choices for them. And so if you are getting stuck, and you don’t know what to do, again, the thing that I always rely on, I love being able, I love knowing that there is somebody out there who has the answer to any question that I have any place in my own life that I’m stuck, I know there’s somebody that I can turn to, this is a silly example. But there’s like a problem with our sink in our kitchen. There’s like there’s a leak there. And I think to myself, like I could probably fix this. But the thing that reassures me is like, but if I can’t I know somebody who can I’ll call the plumber. And so wherever you are in your relationship, or your own individual process on this journey, please know that there is an answer to help you bridge the gap where you feel stuck.
And it’s so much more empowering to know that you can be flexible with the method. But please continue to hold fast and be strong with the outcome that you want. The divorce in this case was not an outcome. And if you’re wondering, well, what’s the difference, you can ask yourself, I’m going to take this action, for what purpose? What am I hoping to achieve by doing this thing, that then is your outcome. The method is the means by which you’re going to try to achieve that result. So as you’re considering where you’re feeling stuck, please stay strong with the outcome know that there’s more than one way to get the help that you need. And there’s more than one way to be able to find the avenue to cross that bridge, there’s more than one bridge, let’s say, to get to the one outcome that’s important to you. So the clearer you are about the outcome, then you can either reach out or think through and try to figure out other means by which you can achieve it, which then puts you in a place of feeling completely empowered, because you have choices to be able to get to that end goal that you have. So I hope that’s helpful for you. I wish you the best in this process. If there’s any of you who do need help, I would love to support you in any way that I possibly can. It’s tremendous to see the amount of progress that people can make once they just get direction. And the more direction you have, the more choices that you have. You’re going to much more effortlessly be able to arrive at the outcome that you’re hoping for. So hope this helps. And I look forward to speaking to you guys next week. Take care. Wait before you go. I’m offering free access for my podcast listeners to a course I created so make sure you go to couples healing.org so you can get some tools to start the healing process individually and in your relationship. poor if you want even more support and you’d like to work with me directly you can contact me with the info that’s on that website as well i’m excited for you to make progress on your journey
