Welcome to the couples healing podcast where you’ll get the tools for him to overcome his addiction for her to find healing from the pain that it causes her. And for you to heal your relationship and come back together. I hope that you enjoy and subscribe. Hello, and welcome back to another episode today I’m excited to have you guys here. Today I want to talk to you about the shortcut to healing. Now when I say that, sometimes I’ve said that in the past, and people kind of have a negative reaction to that, because they think when they hear short cut, they mean skipping things, and cutting corners and not being thorough. That’s not at all what I’m referring to when I’m talking about short cuts, I’m talking about focusing on the things that create the most difference, focusing on the things that actually move the needle, instead of all of the things that you might have been told in the past that you need to do. There are so many things that you can cut out of this process that not only save time, but energy, and it creates momentum when you’re focusing on the key things that bring change. And so that’s what I want to discuss today, there’s a way to heal where it doesn’t, you know, traditional recovery, people who have been in the traditional recovery space will tell you that healing takes between three to five years to heal from an addiction, and maybe even longer to heal, heal the relationship and the trauma that somebody feels. But the reality is that it doesn’t have to take anywhere near three to five years. And for most people three to five years sounds like an overwhelming amount of time that somebody has to put in to feel like they’re making progress when the reality is that you can make progress and healing addiction much, much sooner. And so this is when I say short cut, you’re not just taking, instead of taking all the detours, we’re going directly from point A to point z, instead of hitting everything and going, you know, these windy roads that take a long time. And so I want to share with you the one of the most helpful things that I could possibly share in terms of helping you know what to focus on. And this is true at any stage of the process. So when I was a student, I was being trained in my master’s program, and there was a workshop that came into town that was specific to helping couples know how to heal and communicate more effectively heal the damage that had been done in the past, be able to reconnect and have a strong bond with one another. And I thought to myself, well, I’m in school, I’m already learning a ton of things. I’m sure that there’s going to be an endless number of trainings and resources that I can learn as I go. So I chose not to go to the training. And it was in Las Vegas, where I went to school from here and I went to school here at U and V. And after that weekend, I had a friend who came up to me in the break room while we were at school. And she said, Hey, you didn’t go to the training. And I said, Nah, I’m pretty sure that I’ll find you know, I’ll have chance to do other to do other trainings in the future. And she’s like you missed out. This was the most valuable training that I’ve ever been to it was so so good. And so she just like ranted and raved about how magical almost this training was. So I thought okay, you convinced me. So I flew to Salt Lake City The following month, because they were kind of going from city to city. And as I was at this training, I can tell you that this is bar none the most valuable, important training that I’ve ever been to in my career. And it influences my work with every single person that I work with. It’s so so important. And so the thing that really hooked me in on the first day was they were talking about how we as human beings are wired for connection. We are wired to reach out to other people for support. And when we don’t have a strong healthy relationship, whether it’s our marriage or family relationships, it has a negative impact not only on our, our emotional health, but our physical health as well. I can’t even tell you there are so many research studies now that they’ve come out with that talk about how negatively impacted our physical health is when we are not in secure connected relationships. For instance, one, one quick little tidbit of researchers there’s a person by the name of James house, he said that loneliness is equivalent to for somebody to loneliness is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, in terms of the negative impact it has on our health, our heart, our our, our development as people when we’re babies, there are so many aspects of who we are as people in terms of physical, emotional, mental health, that are severely negatively impacted when we don’t have strong relationships. So when they’re explaining all this, I think, Okay, that makes sense. I can see how important my relationships are in my own life. So I could see how this would really cause cause a toll on somebody without having that.
Then they showed a video that sometimes when I share with clients, they some of them start to tear up. And what I’ve done workshops live I’ve shown this video and I look in the audience and there are some people that are in tears because of how moved they are when they watch this short three minute video and what I want to do actually is I want to have anybody who’s listening to this right now, I want you to pause. This is a weird thing to request. But it’s so important to see this because it can it does 100 times better job explaining what’s going on than me just trying to tell you. So what I want you to do is I’ve linked to the video in the show notes. And this one video changed the course of my whole career. Again, no exaggeration, this training has made it so I can’t even explain to you how much this training has meant to me. So I want you to pause this video right now and want you to watch this video, pause the podcast, so you can watch the three minute video. If you can’t find it in the show notes, the name of it, you can go on to YouTube, it’s called the still face experiment. And it’s got a couple million views, you’re gonna find it right away, it should be the first one that comes to the top. I want you to watch this video. And and notice what happens. It’s a video of a mother and a child communicating with one another through nonverbals. You’ll see the amazing impact, the amazing negative impact that it has, when the mom does something specific. So I want you to pause, pause the podcast, watch the video and please do this. So the rest of the podcast makes sense. Just so we have some common like a reference point. So I’ll go ahead and hit pause. And then I’ll I’ll see you back on in just a few minutes after you watch the video.
Okay, so
whenever I watch this with somebody, I always ask what was that like for you to watch? What did you notice what came out for you emotionally when you saw that. And so many people notice the fact that the mom and the baby again, when I say emotional connection, what I mean by that is a sense of security. I mean a sense of stability and feeling close and feeling attuned to somebody. Right? It’s almost like they’re we’re in sync, when the mom and the child are talking or I guess kind of playing together. The mom or the baby looks in point somewhere, then the mom looks in points somewhere. It’s kind of like a mirror. Or in other words, if you’re playing catch with somebody, you throw the ball, they throw it back to you, you throw the ball, they throw it back to you, when we’re having conversations with somebody, you say something they respond, you say something they respond, what happens is when somebody doesn’t respond, it creates this internal breakdown of the connection that we feel, or in other words, we start to slip out of sync. It’s this very powerful give and take. And when we don’t have this, it creates this, this eat this unease inside of us. Because again, we’re wired for this synchronicity. And so emotionally, when we don’t get that we feel very unsettled, we start to feel unsafe, we feel unheard and unloved and disconnected from our partner, we start to feel lonely, or that when we have an emotional disconnection in the relationship. That’s the number one thing that breaks down marriages is not feeling connected to your partner. There’s a study done out of the University of Texas that said that people do not divorce because of conflict. They divorced because of decreasing affection, and emotional closeness. So again, as they’re explaining all this stuff, to me in the training, this light bulb goes off. That they drove home the point they convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that connection with another human being specifically in our romantic relationships in our marriage, in our, in our significant romantic relationships. That is the foundation and the most fundamental part
of what it
takes to have a strong secure relationship. And so as I then took everything that I learned from this training and started to work with couples, the transformation that I saw was truly remarkable. And it still continues to be I it’s like it’s honestly it’s it’s so amazing and remarkable to watch a couple come in and after, after a single session. Watch them leave the session after one time of meeting and see them holding hands and see them like kiss in the lobby and they give each other a big hug. Sometimes I’ve got a glass door on the outside of my building. So my office is on the inside, which of course doesn’t have a glass door. But I leave and I open up the lobby or open up my door into the lobby I can see through. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people leave the building. And then I just see them standing on the parking lot and they’re hugging each other. And the reason why is because in the sessions that I do with people, my primary goal, one of the primary goals is to help them learn how to create this emotional connection with one another. And the good news is that it doesn’t have to take three to five years to make this happen. You can literally do this in a single session. And just to kind of prove the point how quickly it’s gonna happen. If you think about that video that you just watched the still face experiment. I counted how many seconds it took for the mom to reengage after she re engaged and started to smile and talk back with the baby. How Quickly that the baby regained her composure, and then start smiling again, I counted it, it was literally seven seconds. So it doesn’t take years for us to develop a strong bond with our partner, it can literally take seconds, if you know what to do. And so as I work with people, my goal is to help them learn the skills to be able to share with one another in a way that creates that connection. Because once you have that, all you need to do is learn how to do it, because then you can duplicate this on your own. This is why I don’t think therapy has to take so many years because you can teach people these skills, help them break through any blocks that might be coming up. That’s where I think there’s a lot of value in doing therapy or coaching is that in real time, they can come to me and say, I’m stuck here. I don’t know how to get past this point. And then we can use the principles and help them navigate and thread the needle in that situation. So that then they understand, oh, that’s how you do it. Or Oh, that’s how you share with my that’s how that’s how I’m supposed to share. That’s what a good response is, when my wife turns to me and tells me of her pain. What I normally do is I get defensive. And so what I’m learning here in session is I should do this instead. And I say yeah, that’s exactly right. And then they have a really, really strong, a really good and powerful moment, which then I say this is what we want to reflect on and revert back to it’s almost like a reference point. So that they learn the skills of how to create that connection. And so ultimately, what that is, the secret is to be able to share in a vulnerable way. That might not sound like a groundbreaking concept. But when we’re vulnerable with our partner, and we can open up and share on a deeper level, those connections that we those, those conversations that we have create a connection faster than anything else, when we can open up and tell our partner that we’re feeling impacted by what they said, or feeling sad that you feel lonely. When you’re disconnected, you feel afraid that when x y, z happens, you get afraid or you feel sad, the more you can link your emotions, to the events of what are happening in your relationship. That’s how you can open the door to have a very powerful conversation. Because usually what happens is when people try to open up and they share, sometimes what they share is done in a sense of anger, or frustration, or when they get stuck in their own negative cycle in their relationship. Oftentimes, what happens is that when they feel sad, instead of just sharing that and being open with their partner, they’ll instead get defensive. Or they’ll instead withdraw or shut down. You know, if they get their feelings hurt, they then avoid the conversation. They stop talking. I’m watching this. I’m not a big TV person at all. My wife really enjoys TV. And she feels connected. If we just kind of are sitting on the couch, everybody has a different way of connecting with their partner. And one of the ways that she feels close is if we’re just hanging out on the couch watching a show. And so I say okay, I’m willing to do that. And so the show that she wanted to she initially chose that she said was I really want to watch the show. It’s called married at first sight. And I thought, Oh, that’s interesting.
I mean, I work with couples, this is like, this is what I do. So yeah, I’ll watch this with you. And it’s like, it’s funny, as I watch it. I don’t know if anybody has seen that show. But it’s funny. It’s so essentially, they take these strangers. And it’s it is what this show title is they simply they get married at first sight. So they do a lot of interviews ahead of time and they find a good match the experts, right, there’s a panel of three experts. They pick out two people and and say I think these people will work well together. So they get married. It’s all exciting for them. It’s there. They’re seeking a relationship that can be long term and permanent. And they think I haven’t had luck finding somebody. So I’m going to rely on these experts to find somebody for me. So anyways, when I’m watching this show, there was a particular scene a couple of weeks ago, where the wife said something to her husband, he spilled champagne everywhere. So the reason why I’m telling you this story is because it’s relevant because I want to share a principle and how you can apply what I’m saying how do you create connection and what blocks it? So essentially, he gets champagne. It’s like night for right? They’re back from their honeymoon. It’s night four or five. And he gets the champagne. He opens it up and then it blasts everywhere. spills all over the floor, gets it all over a shirt. And the wife says Oh, like that’s really Vinnie of you. His name’s Vincent. She says, she kind of laughs That’s really Vinnie, have you? In that moment. He misinterpreted that and felt like he was being very dishonest that she was being disrespectful towards him. Like condescending. Oh, there it goes. Vinnie. Again, he can’t do anything right. That’s how he took it. So we got his feelings hurt. And as I’m watching the show, and it’s like, if if people are gonna have the best chance of success, I think doing counseling or therapy or coaching is essential. Because again, like what I’m watching people do and as I watch this unfold like I i know exactly what’s happening and my goal is for couples and clients to also get to the point where they can know exactly what’s happening in their relationship so it doesn’t just spiral and so as i’m watching it i see him visibly shut down he gets quiet he’s like you know i stopped smiling they drink the champagne and he’s like you know i’m kind of tired i’m gonna go into the other room and she’s like are you okay he’s like yeah i’m fine i’m just kind of tired i’m gonna go lay down so she’s like okay and then she goes into the room afterwards and then what he says is he said to her i feel like you’re being really disrespectful to me i’m getting tired what did you say something like i’m really getting tired of how you speak to me and she’s like what are you talking about and he’s like i shouldn’t have to tell you if you don’t know what you said then i don’t even want to talk to you about this she says what are you what is even happening i’m not being disrespectful where are you getting this and he says you know what i’m gonna leave i’m going back home and when i’m watching this i’m like whoa he’s going all the way to this place of not being able to like he’s he takes this so personally and then he goes so far as to say i’m leaving and i was like wow that was very that was a disproportionate reaction right and i get why because he was feeling hurt any instead of being able to share with her in a vulnerable way and saying hey when you said that was very vinnie of you how i took that was that was like you were it was like a condescending remark and you kind of see me as a fool and that kind of hurts my feelings because i want to you know i want to be enough i want to have a good relationship i want you to be proud of me if you were to share that that would have been a golden opportunity for her to then clarify and say that’s not what i meant at all i’m so sorry you took it like that when i said that i was just kind of joking around and saying like oh that was vinnie but i was like that was not my intention at all to hurt your feelings and i honestly don’t see you in a negative way i am proud of you i’m so psyched to be married to you right that exchange that 32nd exchange would have instantly transformed the rest of the night instead of he leaves he goes to the parking lot and then he eventually comes back and he’s like i can’t just be running away and they do have a conversation after the fact but i wanted to share that story with you to illustrate what does connection look like and how do you create it you start to share how were you impacted by something
what does it feel like to interpret it in that way right he feels like he’s being disrespected that his wife looks down on him that is not enough there is some fool and then the feeling was it was hurt it was sadness and by being able to share that it creates a moment where couples can come together and so whenever i work with a couple my primary goal when we’re working on this stage of the process is to help them understand how they feel understand their triggers recognize how they’re interpreting things help them understand how they’re responding to those things and then facilitate these really productive conversations that truly can heal and i think many people who are listening to this i wonder if you can relate to that story of the show where somebody takes something wrong they either shut down or avoid or get defensive or the other way right they get angry they get loud they escalate it goes one of two ways we either shut down and close off or we get upset and critical and raise our voice and like the energy comes out it’s a fight or flight kind of again going back to this video that i shared with you earlier this is why this training was so pivotal for me because it helped me understand the dynamics of a relationship and what to do with them instead of just saying well why don’t you go off and cool off in your room and then you can come back and talk about it it’s while that can be helpful if you don’t know how then to come back and talk about it then you’re never going to resolve the problem and so as they had these discussions together i’m like yeah that’s exactly what they need to do and i kind of just tease my wife i’m like man like as i watched the show i’m like oh no honey he shouldn’t have done this he should have said this and she should have done this i don’t know like i’m like a couch qb right as if somebody can watch in football and i call that quarterback should have done this so i don’t know it’s i guess because it’s my field and i love talking about this stuff ultimately that’s the goal when i’m working with somebody is to help them get clear about all of these different pieces teach them how to share and then get the blocks out of the way because when somebody goes into their shame and they feel awful and they shut down and they feel like they’re a bad person they’re going to avoid those conversations they’re going to close off and and this is especially difficult with with being in a relationship when your partner isolates himself or herself and doesn’t want to talk because of how bad they feel and then on the surface it seems like they don’t care they’re shutting down i was working with somebody where anytime The wife shared with him, he always took it personally, anytime she had any feedback about anything, or expressed a need that she had, Hey, can we please start doing this? Or hey, you know, to help me out, if this didn’t happen, or could you not do this, or whatever the request was, he would take it very personally. And then he went to this place of shame of I’m a bad person, I’m a failure, I’m not a good husband, this is very painful, I don’t want to feel like I’m letting her down. And then as a result of that, he would shut down. And he would avoid, and he wouldn’t want to talk to her. or anytime she came to him with some pain that she was going through, or she felt triggered, or if she had a memory that came up and, and it affected how she feel affected how she felt, or the impact of the addiction if she were to feel any sort of impact. Because of that, she would want to talk through that with him. But he would, but she was not able to do that, because of how he took what she said, as a failure, I can’t get this right, I’m hurting my wife, because I’m hurting her, then I might as well just distance myself because I don’t want to keep hurting her. That’s what he was going on for him on the inside. So he was not able to validate her pain, he wasn’t able to hear her. And he then wasn’t able, like, it affected everything that dynamic, that cycle pulled them apart. And so they weren’t able to figure this out on their own. So they reached out for help. And so again, my goal is to help them get clear about what’s going on what is this dynamic, what’s happening for them on an emotional level, how then can I give him tools, I gave him tools to be able to hear her differently. Instead of her feeling instead of him hearing what she said. And him taking it personally, a big part of what we worked on is helping him to shift the perspective. So he could hear her pain and validate her and not feel bad about himself and not withdraw and spiral. And so as he got these tools, again, the goal as I work with people is to get these blocks out of the way, and give them the tools to have these conversations. Because once you know how to do this, as I’m sharing with you right now is we can be open and vulnerable, and talk through things and not take it personally. Again, there’s a process for all this stuff. When couples learn how to do this, and again, I’m sharing with you the key to this is vulnerability.
And when couples can get the blocks out of the way, so they can be vulnerable with one another. If there are blocks, the relationship can transform. So so quickly. I remember working with another person, where just after three or four sessions, I think I’ve referenced this couple before that they come to mind again, because of how quickly it just it, her reaction stuck with me. She says I can’t believe how fast we’ve been able to connect. After 15 years of us being married, we get caught in these same cycles, I’ve been so isolated, I felt so alone. He hasn’t known how to be there for me, in three or four sessions were in a completely different place. And I’ve never felt this connected before. And so to summarize all of what we’re talking about today, the short cut. And again, there’s no magic bullet, of course, and I know that you guys who are listening, don’t expect there to be one. But if there ever was a shortcut that sped up the process and did it in a way that was safe and thorough, and you actually resolved the root of the issue. It’s truly to be able to create an emotional connection with your partner. Because once you have that closeness, you can build on that you have momentum, you start to feel loved, you start to be more in love, you start to feel safer and more secure. There’s more stability, there’s more trust. All of this is a direct result of how connected and close you feel with your partner. And so if you want to overcome an addiction, I think I’ve referenced this quote before Johann Hari, who’s a researcher and an author. He said that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It’s connection. And sometimes when I say that, the wife will say, well, I’ve been trying to connect with my husband forever. And every time I open up and every time I am vulnerable with him, nothing happens. Or he avoids the conversation or he turns the tables on me. Or fill in the blank with any other kind of response. he shuts down. He gets upset. I’ve been trying to connect with him and he’s not it’s not working vulnerability isn’t working for me. The thing that’s important to note is that connection is a reciprocal. It takes a relationship. It takes both people to create it. It’s not just her sharing, it’s also him receiving just like what happened in the still face experiment video. The baby was still laughing. The baby was still pointing but the mom was no longer engaged. Because she was not responding, the connection broke down. Once she started to respond again, and, and kind of, I say, a line with the baby, like mirror the baby, and laugh back and point back and smile and talk, that is when the connection is created. And if you remember, if you remember, seven seconds later, she displays that feeling of connection through smiling, she’s happy again, there’s, there’s peace again, there’s turmoil when there isn’t that connection. And so for the women who are listening, or even for the men, it goes both ways. If you’re the one who’s tried to connect with your partner, and you’ve been vulnerable, and you think, Well, that doesn’t work. It involves both people. And so him or her your partner, and learning how to respond, and learning how to process through any of the blocks that come up, that prevent them from responding is absolutely critical. So you can finally move forward to have that sense of connection in your relationship, which then like I said, is the foundation upon which people develop more trust, more safety, more security, betrayal, trauma is healed through connection, because it’s the break in connection that causes the trauma in the first place. If If a wife discovers that her husband is looking at other images, or other people or other women, there’s a breach in that connection, now something or someone has come between him and her, therefore, the connection breaks down. And we experienced trauma as a result of that. So the antidote isn’t to go off and do endless individual work. While Yes, that’s a part of the process. Of course, we want to I love working on myself. I love being coached. I’ve hired multiple coaches to work with me in different aspects of my life, I love it. And I think individual work is so valuable important.
But if you truly want to heal, and cement the progress that you’re making, I don’t know of a faster way to do it, then by creating connection with your partner, because the breakdown is in the connection is what causes the pain. So the repair in the connection will also cause the peace. So I hope that makes sense. As I’m explaining this, again, please don’t misunderstand this, for me to say that individual work is not important. It is important. That’s not what I’m saying. It is very important. But truly, to be able to create a solid foundation, it is found through being able to connect with your partner. And it’s much easier to continue to do that individual work.
Again, when
you have a safe home base a safe haven to go back to. So what I would encourage you guys to do, I would love for you guys to as you’re reflecting on how to create this connection, I would encourage you to keep in mind that it is it goes both ways. So you can have a conversation with your partner, if you have resonated with any of what I’ve shared with you today. Try to figure out what has prevented that connection so far. Is that the reaction that you get? Is it shame? Is it somebody isolating? Is it defensiveness? Is it anger, what has gotten in the way for you to be able to connect with your partner and then I would encourage you to have a conversation with them. And see if you can start to talk through those things and help each other understand where each of you are and how you’re internalizing it, how are you being affected by this, talk about how you feel in those moments. And then as you do so you can arrive at a greater sense of clarity to be able to then problem solve, bridge the gap, repair any damage and then be able to move forward. So I hope that this has been helpful for you today, I would, again encourage you as you’re doing this work, keeping in mind that emotional connection is the key. Doing individual work, of course, is very important. I think that’s a key as well. But the thing that I find that most people are missing is the ability to turn to their partner and create that connection that will significantly and exponentially speed up this process for you yet still do it in a safe and very thorough way. So I hope that helps. I would love to hear how this goes and see if this is something that if you guys get stuck with again, we’re going to be doing more episodes about how to navigate these blocks. Because that’s truly the process. As you start to share blocks will come up, then the goal is to be able to identify those get the tools that you need to process through those to ultimately get to the end of the path, which is that place of connection. So I hope this has been helpful. If it has been I would love your feedback. This means so much to get a review and rating if you would please wouldn’t mind doing that. If this has been helpful for you. I’d love to get your feedback there. It just helps the podcast helps other people to find the podcast we
can get these tools out to more people. So I super appreciate it. Thank you again so much. I look forward to speaking with you on the next episode.
Wait before you go,
I’m offering free access for my podcast listeners to a course I created so make sure you go to couples healing.org so you can get some tools to start the healing process individually and in your relationship for if you want even more support and you’d like to work with me Directly you can contact me with the info that’s on that website as well. I’m excited for you to make progress on your journey.
