I knew you would be devastated if you found out, but a part of me didn't care, even though I do...

It was as if I didn't have any control because of the intensity of the cravings.

I was feeling pure adrenaline and excitement, and I knew where it was heading... against my better judgement.

After scrolling around online trying my best to resist the temptation, I caved.

Another broken promise.

But even when I made that commitment, I knew somewhere in the back of my mind I probably wouldn't be able to keep it.

The next day I dragged myself to work feeling utterly exhausted and sick to my stomach because of the guilt.

I can't believe I did it again.

If I look really deep inside, a small part of me is afraid to give it up for good –

How would I cope with stress? How would I feel better or reward myself for a hard day? What if I'm not strong enough to quit for good?

What if I really did try my very best and failed again, where would that leave me?

I just don't want to live this lie anymore... I'm afraid to be found out by you, by others who I respect. I feel small...

The momentary pleasure I feel when I'm watching porn is completely overshadowed by the days and weeks of guilt, shame, and embarrassment I feel afterwards.

I feel so worthless and inadequate, and no matter how much I've tried in the past to overcome this problem, something always pulls me back in.

This isn't your fault.

I don't know how better to tell you that. It's not that you're inadequate.

It's not that I don't love you and our kids, because I do.

I'm starting to lose hope. But I can't give up.

Our children deserve to have a father who is present, who teaches them how to be a man.

So I keep struggling in silence, afraid to share the depth of my struggles."