The first time it happened I felt embarrassed
I don’t know why “I” felt embarrassed
I hadn’t done anything…
You kept saying it was nothing
Minimizing it…
As if to say I was the problem
But without actually saying it…
It was the way you looked at me
The other things you said to me
I was overreacting
I was over FEELING


I had the problem


I didn’t know it at the time, but…
That moment, that first time…
Changed me forever
It was at that moment that I started to question…
Our relationship
Our marriage


It was at that moment that I became not enough
Not pretty enough
Not sexy enough
Not big-voluptuous-body-part enough
Not skinny enough
Nothing Enough


…And you became who I almost killed myself to be enough for
For your attention
For your approval
For your recognition
For your love
For you to want just me


I slowly started to climb inside my own body
Deeper and deeper inside myself
I’d repeatedly vow to keep it to myself
I didn’t want you to be mad
I didn’t want to be accused of not trusting you
I didn’t want you to think…to know how insecure I was
How much I was questioning…everything….
To think I was jealous


So I stuffed it
Kept it inside
Over and over
Each time it came up again…
Each time you got caught again…
I became more full, and more empty


Less me, more pain
Sadder, lonelier
More isolated, more depressed


I hated myself more than I hated you
I hated myself for feeling so much…
…About so little
It was just an image, right?
What was wrong with me?
Why couldn’t I just be cool like Joe’s wife?
You know, Joe – the one you’ve told me about over and over…
The one with the wife who doesn’t care if he watches porn
What is wrong with me?


I was in pain
I am still in pain
We got therapy…


The counselors…
The therapists…
They let me know…
“It’s not your fault”, they’d say…
“It has nothing to do with you”, they’d continue…
“It’s just an addiction, if he had an addiction to cigarettes, would you be this upset about it?”…


…And there it was
Even they confirmed it was me
I shouldn’t be upset
But I can’t not be upset
I tried to replace your addiction…
“It’s as if he’s just smoking a cigarette”
“Having a drink”


It didn’t work
I knew it wouldn’t work


I still felt like I was dying inside
Like my heart was being ripped into pieces
I was screaming in pain, in silence
I was bleeding out, without being noticed
And each and every time you made a promise…
And broke it…
And got caught…
It was like I was being torn open again
I never even had time to heal…
I could never heal
I couldn’t breath
I still can’t breath


It destroyed me


It had become my problem…
That you had this problem
I became the problem
I am the problem


Remember Joey?
He has a wife that doesn’t mind…


But me?
I cringe when we watch tv…
I’m dying inside…
At commercials
At tv shows
At movies


I’d read what the movie was about before we’d go…
I’d be sick, or some other excuse
I couldn’t physically bear to sit there with you and watch you want her (any her)


I didn’t want to tell you the truth…
You knew the truth


I was traumatized when we’d go somewhere and women were around…
Which means I couldn’t go anywhere and feel ok


No, not even ok


The life I had known was over


I can’t go to the gym with you
And you can’t go to the gym without me wondering about you


There’s no more beach…
There’s no more vacations…


And you just carry it around in your pocket everywhere you go…
Your personal disconnection from me


The elephant in your hand
That caused my awakening to a suffering I’d never before known
Like dying inside…
And still being alive to feel it all
The reality that my world would never be the way I’d always thought it would be…
The way I wanted it to be…


My loneliness grew
You didn’t even know
You don’t even know me


The pressure to be ok with what you do is almost unbearable
The pain too deep and overwhelming for words


I’m too sensitive
I’m overreacting
I’m jealous
I’m not enough
I will never be enough


If you think it’s hell living with your porn addiction…
Try living with your spouse’s.

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